‘I know a black person’
– White people
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[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
wtf is a larm clock?
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.