Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
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If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
jesus christ confetti not now
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??