They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
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The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.