my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
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will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Attacked by a mop.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.