Thursday
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Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
that’s really how it is
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.