My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
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Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?