how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
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[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.