I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
You Might Also Like
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway