me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
You Might Also Like
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
If you had more money you’d be happier.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
i’m sure it’s fine
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.