It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
You Might Also Like
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning