You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
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Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
How software testing works
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear