1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
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me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Current mood: Potato
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
🙋♀️
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.