Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
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Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance