If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
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usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.