I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
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LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
When your best mate counts as a desk too
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.