I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
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If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
LOL
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me