No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
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My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
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