WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
You Might Also Like
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
*exercises sarcastically*
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.