I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
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Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
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What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
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Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
not seeing the problem
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I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”