I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
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FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Punctuation Matters. Period.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?