My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
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Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.