Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
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After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*