Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
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A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”