who called it hell and not heaven’t
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How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.