I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
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finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.