I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
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Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?