Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
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All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.