boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
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Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
“The Perfect Relationship”
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Room with a view.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it