[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
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On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend