My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
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me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”