nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
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If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops