ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
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The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
it’s the silliest best thing
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Alexa: *deep breath*
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.