Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
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“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
[eats all your cotton candy]
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
this is the news I live for
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE