HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
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Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
become ungovernable
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Twitter remains undefeated
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.