The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
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Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
shit just got real
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him