Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
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I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.