My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
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Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
HR said no more nunchucks.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.