#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
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Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
repaired
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.