CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
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i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I just ran a .003048K
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Saturday
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.