Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
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A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson