Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
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Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Smallpox sounds so adorable
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
True freaking story!
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic