Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
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They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Incredible customer service.
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Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.