Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
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Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.