@omically

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

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@sweet_toof

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

@TragicAllyHere

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

@thepunningman

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

@paminski

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

@mrjohndarby

nobody:

TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding

@GFGander

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

@LackOfShame

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?