saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
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Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I am, perchance
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.