ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
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Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*