If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
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Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.