*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
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Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*