You Might Also Like
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*