Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
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My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?