wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
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[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.