Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
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Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”