Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
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I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..